I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!

 

How many times have you personally ever said or heard someone say "I just want to be HAPPY."? What?!! You can't count that high?!! Me either!!!!! I know I've said it so much to the point where it could borderline on boring if I said it to others nearly as much as I've said it to myself.

 

I've said it with almost every emotion at the forefront too. I said it angry (yelling) "I just want to be happy." (Pretty scary...lol) I've said it overwhelmed and defeated (pretty sad) I've said it as a cry for help (pretty necessary) I've even said it while confused (?????...lol) No matter how I said it, I just knew that's what I wanted and I knew for certain that "HAPPY" was not what I was experiencing..AT ALL.

 

How did I know?

 

Well a lot of things made it clear for me. For instance, I wasn't content at all. I was always looking for the next thing, even before I finished the first thing(for some this may translate into relationships, jobs, hobbies etc.). Sadly for me I didn't know what it translated into. Can you imagine how frustrating that can be?

 

Just imagine someone asking you "What do you want?" and your answer being "I just want to be happy." and then being asked "What exactly would make you happy?" Almost "the genie with 3 wishes" idea. You tell this "genie" what you want and it's granted...YAAAAY!!!! but there's a problem...

 

What?!! A problem? What problem? How can that be? Your wish was granted. You're supposed to be "HAPPY" but you're not. Ut-oh...now what do you do? After all, you were convinced this was it. You were convinced that all you had to do is simply say what it was that would in fact get you to this quote unquote happy and life would be a piece of cake or at least a gooey chewy cookie(lol) and you found out you were wrong. Ohhhhhh, what a blow!! Aint that a kick in the head?!! Now what do you do? Too hurt, disappointed, sad, confused & unsure to compose any helpful, healthy thoughts or ideas to get you to your next state of proactivity?

 

 I know, don't believe me...just watch!!

 

Now while I've never personally been diagnosed with ADHD...once I learned what exactly it was or should I say, is, I kinda self diagnosed myself with it in regards to happiness. I felt like I was hyper when it came to happiness, always running, jumping, skipping, diving all over the place...all the time, for happiness. Unapologetically too. I mean, I want this amazing, fulfilling life...a life filled with joy and laughter, adventure and wonder. Boredom is my kryptonite...so is mediocrity but I digress, at any rate, I was always pursuing happiness, even in my dreams. I knew I was in trouble long before I had this dream but this dream put the "nail in the coffin" so to speak.

 

Wrote a story about it...want to hear it? Here it goes:

 

I had a dream that I went to the moon...no, I mean literally went to the moon. Space suit, defying gravity, weightless, suspended in outer space...the moon. It was incredible. It was surreal. "I AM ON THE MOON!!!!!!!", I thought. I'm talking with astronauts and learning interesting things and if I recall correctly maybe two hours went by, that's when I looked over to one of the "space guys" and said "So, what do we do tomorrow?" and I don't have to tell you, although I will (lol) the look they gave each other and me was a look of total confusion, like "Tell me you're joking" but I was serious as a HEART ATTACK and not a mild one either. They paused for what seemed like forever and then said in response to my question "You get to be on the moon." Like , "DUH!! What do you think? You can't be serious. There's no way anyone could be in this position and be completely over it...PERIOD but certainly not over it in a matter of hours." but surprise, I was and I gotta tell ya, when I woke up I was never more sad.

 

I thought "What does this mean?" I always thought I was just over certain things because they were mundane or because I had been there, done that but there I was on the moon and the same feeling washes over me. YIKES!!!!!! Somebody, HELP ME!!!!!!", all said solely inside my head.                   

 

The truth is I didn't know what this meant and what I thought I knew about what it meant didn't leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling. What it left me with was a feeling of discontentment, anxiety and panic. I desperately wanted to discover how to switch my gears and get to another place...a place of gratification and contentment...I felt it literally meant my life. It was that urgent for me. Had no clue where to start. What I did know was that I was tired of experiencing what I was experiencing, so the only thing I could come up with was to do the opposite of what I was currently doing in the confines of good taste to see if that would yield a different result.

 

1. Stop trying to save everybody all the time. Save yourself first. Sometimes selfish is necessary.

 

Example:

 

 Ever been on an airplane? Well before the plane gets in the air the flight attendants give you instructions(most passengers completely ignore them, not sure why...maybe they fly all the time, heard the spiel a gazillion times) but anyhoo, they give you instructions. Part of these instructions have to do with what you are to do in the case of an oxygen emergency. They explain that you need to secure your oxygen mask first before you can help others...yes even before securing the mask of your children. Now what if I were to reason "No way, I'm definitely securing my children's masks first I don't care what they say." Well, your heart may be in the right place but in actuality this would be a poor decision. Why? Because you could lose consciousness in the process and then you wouldn't be able to help yourself or your child. So the same principle applies...sometimes you have to help yourself before you can help others.

   

2. Stop tolerating bad behavior. Don't make excuses for others. It's enabling.

 

3. Stop doing things to appease others, especially if it makes you miserable in the process.

 

4. Stop apologizing for how you feel.

 

5. Be bold and intentional in the company you keep.      

 

Pretty basic, straightforward stuff, right? Right. Which brings me back to my point(although I took the scenic route...but scenic can be fun...lol). Although 1-4 were statements to urge you to STOP doing something...5 was different, it was the one statement that urged you to DO something but what all five statements have in common to me is SACRIFICE. How so? Well let's see.  

 

1. I had to sacrifice being on the frontlines of showering others with rainbows because I had reached a point where I needed the few rainbows I had left for myself.

 

2. I had to sacrifice relationships that were familiar but not necessarily healthy for me.

 

3. I had to sacrifice going out of my way to make others comfortable when I was anything but.

 

4. I had to sacrifice worrying about what others would think, say or do as a result of my feelings.

 

5. I had to sacrifice those who I truly cared about for my sanity.

 

Now while these things(sacrifices) are both good and healthy...they also came with a great deal of pain, sadness, loneliness etc. I know what you're thinking because I thought it too "You just can't win!!" No doubt, it's not easy but it's worth it. I've proven it to myself. Since the sacrifices, I'm more calm and content. I fill my days with being proactive and purposeful. I'm around people of like minds and I'm enjoying myself, truly enjoying myself but am I happy? 

 

Can't say if I'm happy but I can say I'm on the fast track to get there...oh wait, I just saw my exit, let me get off this phone...you know we're not supposed to text while driving. YIKES!!!!! Just kidding...(PS: Save a life by never texting and driving.)