I must admit, I wasn’t going to write about this. Now let’s
be honest, it’s no secret that I’ve written about this before but in my effort
to move forward and shy away from the perception of self-pity, ungratefulness
and doubt…I thought, pondered and thought some more about whether I should
tackle these emotions in a blog style fashion and my answer was “Of course you
should.” “Why?”…because it’s my truth, why, because it’s someone else out there
who will feel a lot less alone…knowing that they are not only understood but
identified with. May what I’m about to share be a source of light and comfort
to whomever is in need. So, here I am…ready to chat about it. Like to hear it?
Here it go!
Who hasn’t heard the saying “If you want something
different, do something different” or “Doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity” or many more
sayings like that? Well, I feel like I’ve heard them all and a great deal of
those statements and others like it have truly aided me in being proactive. No
doubt about it…those thoughts that have often come to me in the form of bumper
stickers while sitting in rush hour traffic or in a post on social media has
moved me to action in the interest of thinking differently.
Not allowing myself to get caught up in the negativity was
great. Not signing up for the “Woe is me…I’m stuck” awards and having a hands
on say as to how I was going to live my life was undeniably empowering. So,
where lies the problem? Good question. For me, the problem was that I had lived
by these sayings for years and years and years, boldly believing that by doing
so it would make all the difference in the world. I thought if I just did
things differently and took risks, if I traveled and networked and reached out
and applied myself…that things would be wonderful. I thought that I would
thrive…that I would be super successful. I thought that if I hustled hard I
couldn’t help but see the fruits of my labor but oddly enough that wasn’t exactly
the case.
There I was…hard working, passionate, prepared, talented,
self-sacrificing and persistent, yet I couldn’t help but feel like I was
spinning my wheels. It was like going to the gym every day, putting in work,
sweating all the down into your socks for a year only to lose 2 pounds. So
frustrating!! After many chants of self-esteem boosting affirmations, the one
millionth networking party, new headshots that were said to be necessary even
though the ink has yet to dry on your most recent images and my favorite “I can’t
afford to pay you but it should be great exposure.” I know I speak for so many
when I say that we have literally all had all the “EXPOSURE” that we can use.
How long can anyone be used and look the other way while grinning like it’s fun
and/or acceptable to be a local celebrity but still hungry at the end of the
day. OMGOODNESS…one could seriously go insane.
I was hit with many pieces of unsolicited advice by the way…everything
from “Forget about this whole show biz thing and get married and have a few
babies” to “Maybe it’s time to give this up now and get a real job”. Now I’m
not saying that this advice that I was forced to hear at times were extended
out of harm or maliciousness but what I will say is that it often came from
those who never went after their dreams. It came from those who apparently knew
nothing about how I felt inside or felt it easier to quit than to face the
possibility of constant disappointment. I was too focused and too determined to
hear what these people were saying. To me they fell under the category of
naysayers and I felt like I must protect my dreams at all cost. I shall not be
moved!
I remember hearing someone say “I know dues have to be paid,
but does that mean you have to go through all this hurt and pain just to get a
little bit closer to your dream?” I’m inclined to believe that the answer is
yes. Now make no mistake, I know no two paths are completely the same but you
have to admit that so many people that are now wonderfully successful have some
gut wrenching stories before success was their reality…especially in show biz. Some
were abandoned, others assaulted, homeless, hungry, drug addiction, abused in
so many ways…and the list goes on and on.
I find comfort in their courage and willingness to share
their truths. It’s quite remarkable to me that through the depths of their despair
and loneliness they still went on to accomplish amazing things. When I think of
what I’ve experienced thus far, I too know that I will be a source of
inspiration to others. In many ways I already am and I’m so humbled by it
because there are those times that I am praised and celebrated in the midst of
me going through a great deal. Sacrifices have to be made in order to
accomplish your dreams and you should know and understand that there will be
times that you will be horribly uncomfortable. Change is often uncomfortable.
Me personally, in my journey thus far, I have been terribly
uncomfortable. The first thing I sacrificed was owning my own business and in
turn sacrificed my money…as a result I sacrificed my home. In sacrificing my
home I sacrificed my independence and that trickled over into my relationship.
What a painful time!! It all happened so fast and I kept trying to be empowered
saying to myself “These are results from the choices you made”, hoping that
would be a reminder that I was not a victim but rather a woman who made a
choice to go after my dreams.
In saying that I never knew that things would get so bad
before it got better. I didn’t know about the depression and sleepless nights.
I didn’t know I could cry so much. I didn’t know that I would go from having
Nordstrom’s being my second home and the name of my puppy to not even being
able to afford to shop in the thrift stores. So please don’t praise me for my
bravery if you think that I knew I would suffer this way and I still made the
decision to do what I did. I owe it to the person reading this to let you know
that I would have still gone after my dreams but I would have chosen to do it
differently for sure.
I guess there are some out there who would reason “Well, why
didn’t you go back to what you had before? At least you would have been
comfortable again, happy again, financially secure again.” I can only say that
when you’ve traveled down a certain road so many times, you know exactly what
you can expect. You know where that road leads. I knew that I was never going
to make my dreams a reality by doing the same thing that I had always done. I
felt that maybe, just maybe I have to go through the fire to become a better
me, to survive heartbreak and disappointments to insure that I would not only have
the stamina but the thick skin needed to accomplish my dreams.
Well after more than a few years…way more, I discovered more
joy and pain, more triumph and defeat and I have yet to see the results that
I’ve worked so tirelessly for. That for me is a hard pill to swallow. I have
sold my clothes, shoes and handbags, both online and in flea markets to support
my dreams. I have styled hair on and off, did interior styling and even went as
far as looking for an hourly job too all to put the pieces to the puzzle
together. Throughout all of this I have loss weight and gained weight. I have
had enough energy for 20 people at some points and I have felt completely wiped
out at other times. I have thrived in relationships and I have abandoned
them…all while pursuing this dream of mine.
I have been looked at as a fool for the sacrifices I’ve
made. I’ve seen firsthand that when you are younger and share with others the passion
you have for your dreams there is an upbeat willing support there. That support
however, dwindles after a while because everyone has in their heads how long
they feel it should take you to accomplish that dream or that goal and when it
doesn’t come to pass in the timeline they’ve laid out…then as far as they are
concerned…it’s never going to happen for you. You have failed. I knew that I
had to keep going no matter what. For me, giving up is a billion times harder
than me trying. I never wanted to volunteer to be miserable and that’s exactly
what listening to those people who told me to quit would have assured me…STRAIGHT
UP MISERY!!
Instead, I listen to my heart. I stay focused. I stay
prepared. I keep on keeping on. I go after my dreams with reckless abandon and
in many ways I’m the better for it. In an effort to keep my head up I started
keeping a gratitude log. Just a list fully equipped with dates and positive
experiences no matter how big or small and it’s been incredibly helpful. It is
a refreshing reminder of how far I’ve come and how hard I’ve been working on my
dreams, even how I’ve rolled with the punches and highlighting moments in time
where I displayed having balance. I’m grateful to that log for showing me that
accomplishments have been made, that I have been there for my friends, that I
have produced stage plays and film, poetry albums and performed my heart out in
front of so many and to this day my love for it is ever present.
So where as I may never be completely content and or
satisfied, where as I will always have an A-type personality and be a
perfectionist…I have learned that to continue in the face of fear and adversity
is the place that bravery is born, developed, admired and championed. May we
all be brave enough to go after what many would call the impossible and thrive
in self-love with passion and enthusiasm. Be thoughtful, fearless, driven…be
well.
Xoxo,
Mahoghany
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